Once again I find myself up late at night or shall I say the wee hours of the morning. I have always been a night owl and I find that I love it that way. It is in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep and everyone else is that I find that my words seem to just flow from within. Sometimes I don't have really anything to say and other times I don't think I do but when it is all said and done even I surprise myself. Times like this gives me a time to reflect and a time to gather my thoughts more effectively. No chaos, no kids crying or screaming. Just me.
I have been working on lately bettering my inner self. Trying desperately to find what it is that I am made of and what I am capable of doing. I have done a whole lot of changing since I was a child/teen and I have come a very long way. Growing up in my home, as loving as my grandparents were, I was a very angry child. I was filled with hate and loathing for something that I had no control over. I would scream, yell, break things, and not very many people seemed to get me. Of course I was also a very insecure person, still am to a point, therefore I didn't allow too many people to get too close to the real me.
I have lived my whole life pretty much as a facade. People only knew what I showed them and that is exactly the way I wanted it to be. I didn't have enough confidence to share my real self with too many as I was scared that they would never accept me and that I would never be good enough for them. My life for a very long time had been lived trying to live up to others expectations of who they thought I should be. Therefore in order to not want to fail them I failed myself. I dropped out of high school when I was 17. One of the bigger regrets of my life. I then went to college and dropped out of that too. When I worked if it got to be too much I would just shut down and eventually quit.
I didn't know how to deal with all of the "You are doing such a good job and we want this now from you." I have always been happy just to be the person in the background never wanting attention called my way. I liked to do a great job to make myself happy but once others started to expect it it became too much. I look back and realize that not having my real mom stand behind me as a child effected me way more than I ever thought it would in my adulthood. As a child I would sit in my bedroom and cry looking out the window waiting for a set of headlights that would hardly ever come. Because my grandparents raised me everyone around took it upon themselves to try to instill in my sister and me there own sets of expectations. However having so many sets of expectations and always failing someone not too mention the feeling of being abandoned left me in the state of mind that I was never good enough. So I just gave up.
It saddens me to know that I have given up on just about every good possibility handed to me. I shut down doors that technically never should have been opened my way in the first place but they happened. The only thing that I have never given up on is my marriage to my husband and my children. If nothing in this world ever goes right for me again these are the two most sacred things that I absolutely feel like I have to hold on to. Without them there would be no me. They have shaped me and help form the best out of me. I know that I could never just walk away and I have no earthly idea how some find it so easy to walk away from theirs. Perhaps it is because even though I was adored by my grandparents I had always felt like nothing and it wasn't until I started my family that I finally felt like something, someone, like a person who was given a one in a million shot and finally made to feel my worth.
My children are the apple of my eye and they know how to make my heart melt. With each I love you, smile, hug, kiss, or even glimmer in their eyes I know that I am their everything. They make me feel wanted, special, and loved which touches the very depths of my soul. I am not quite sure what it is that I did to deserve them all but surely God saw something in me that I never could see in myself.
Today I am a brand new person as I had enough of all the negativity in my life. It doesn't matter everything that I have failed at in the past or all the people that I let down because the ones that matter most to me now are all sleeping soundly in their beds. I have no doubts about failing. Failing here is not even an option. They deserve way better than the rough road I have been through and I promise til my last dying breath that is exactly what they will get.
They will have sunrises and sunsets with me by their side. They will get a kiss and hug each night. More importantly I will teach them that I am worth trusting and me leaving will hopefully never even enter their heads. No I will not fail, I will not fail, I will not fail. That person doesn't exist anymore and my husband nor my children will ever see that former me. More importantly I will never see that former me ever again. My past is my past and I have no intentions of allowing it a place in my future. This is my life and I am happily trudging through this journey one step at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment