"Never Live A Life of Regrets" I have often heard people say along with "Move Forward and Never Look Back." That saying is so much easier said than done. I believe that in order to move forward you sometimes have to look back so you know how you want to shape your future and how you don't want to end up again.
What happens though when your past is so much simpler, so much more wonderful than your present? What happens when you want to grab those you love now and take them back in time? I love the family that I have been given in this lifetime. I love those who God has entrusted me to hold dear to my heart. However I feel like my past holds so much more than I ever was grateful for and if I could go back in time I would cherish it with all of my being.
You see there isn't a day in my life that I don't look back at my past and miss those who have gone on to be with Jesus way before I was ready to let go. Then there are days like today when my heart aches, the tears freely flow, and I find myself trying to pick up the pieces of my soul. I miss my momma, my grandpa, their siblings, and above all I miss my sweet Kimberly June.
I find myself at times still wanting to pick up the phone and call my momma (my grandmother) and ask her so many things. 10 years later and I still don't know how to let go. When I hurt for my Kimberly June I hurt for my momma too. I am always reminded that she knew my pain well and I would give anything to ask her questions, something I should have done years ago, like how did she deal with the death of her daughter? How did she learn to let go? How did she deal with her pain and her tears? When I think of all this I am saddened because she was my everything and now that I need her the most she is not here.
Life isn't fair and sometimes it is cruel. I sometimes find myself going back in time in my mind, a time when life was so awesome (even though I did not realize it), and trying hard to conjure up the memories that are embedded deep within me. I remember a life of simpler times and days filled with love and joy.
I remember Sunday Barbeque's, Holiday Feasts, and Birthday Parties all kicked off by first a family prayer (my family consisted of my aunts, uncles, and tons of cousins) then laughter, love, and pure joy. I can see in my mind also ordinary days when everything went like clockwork and ended just the same. Those days I miss the most. Those are the days when my momma would always hold me, kiss me, and even when I was in my early 20s and I outweighed her by at least 100 lbs she always had me sit on her lap and each time we would burst out loud in laughter.
Yes my heart aches and as I write this now I cannot stop the tears from flowing. We weren't rich and by all means we were technically poor but what we shared in that pink little house in the middle of 6th street was something that money couldn't buy and more valuable than gold. My main regret is that I didn't realize just how rich of a life I really had back then. If I could go back in time and talk to myself I would tell myself to stop being sad for what I didn't have and to cherish what I was truly blessed with. I would then apologize to my grandparents for making their lives hell especially during my teen years and assure them that none of what I was going through was their fault. I would come home early so my momma wouldn't stay awake all night worrying, I would stay home more instead of always partying, and I would hug and kiss both of them way more than I actually did.
God gives us many blessings in this lifetime but the one gift that many of us wish for the most is one of the things that we cannot have and that is the gift of going back in time. This is the main reason that I believe that I cannot live a life without regrets because I carry them with me each day but by the same token this is also the reason that I believe that we have to look towards our past at times in order to move forward.
Life is a gift and one that we cannot even get a second of it back. Therefore I look towards my past to move on. My past shaped and molded me into who I am today. Everything from my childhood, to losing my grandparents, and even losing my Kimberly June has helped me form my own journey. It is for this reason that I want to try and recreate my past to a point and share it with my children. I want them to be filled with lots of memories of love, joy, and happiness. No I am not my momma but I am a product of her raising and though I cannot exactly replicate her ways I can take them and incorporate them into my own. If I leave this world tomorrow and my children can remember me showering them with love then I have accomplished my mission as their mother. After all love really does have the power to conquer all.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Where "We" First Began
Sometimes in life we come across people who are destined to change our lives forever. I was luckily enough to meet my special person years ago while working at a call center. I first laid eyes on Jay one night in January when he came to our team fresh out of training. Never in a million years did I even think that I was seeing the man who later on I would marry.
I worked the overnight shift at Sears and I had many guy friends that I would talk to and hang out with. I remember one night when one of my team managers Carol told us that we would be getting a new person on our team and she said "Nelda you are not allowed to date him". I didn't date many of my coworkers but I had gone out with a couple of them and I did have a lot of male friends. Which on a different note was new to me since I was so quiet in high school and didn't have very many besides my male best friend back then.
When I first met Jay I remember how the sheer size of him was overwhelming. His 6'1" compared to my 5'1" frame made him look like a giant. And then I noticed his ear piercings and his pierced labret and how he was covered in what seemed like thousands of freckles. No he wasn't my type I immediately thought.
Jay was very quiet at work so I really didn't know him much other than our usual "hellos". Then one day I was talking to a coworker and she told me how she was giving him a ride home everyday even though it was out of her way. I immediately told her that he wasn't out of my way so I would offer him a ride. From that day forward I realized that Jay was different than what he appeared to be. I got to know a side of him that I wasn't sure he let anyone else know. I enjoyed our rides home everyday and I enjoyed the company.
That was in January and February then March came. My grandmother died in the beginning of March and my whole life changed with her dying breath. The home that I had grown to love was no longer my home and I had to find a new one. I took a month off of work to gather myself and I eventually found an apartment in San Antonio close to my job. I had never lived by myself and it was scary, exciting, and I was extremely lonely.
When I returned to Sears after my month long mini vacation, if you can even call it that, Jay was there and we talked and he told me how he had missed me and had wondered where I had been. I started giving him rides home again even though he was now out of my way. I had taken the bus for so long before getting my car that I couldn't think of making him continue to take the bus which would take over an hour to get him home when I could get him there in 10 minutes. Little by little he started coming over to my apartment after work and eventually he would stay over.
We would go out and have so much fun on our days off and party until literally the sun came up. I would go to work hung over, on zero sleep, always with a giant coffee mug to help get me through. Yet I would do the very same thing day after day. Looking back I don't know where I got my energy but it would be nice to get some of that back.
Jay would continue to stay over and I remember asking him one night to move in with me then I remember him clearly telling me "No" how he thought that it wasn't a good idea. However we look back and laugh at it now because he never went home.
My husband got me through the worst time in my life. Losing my grandmother was unbearable. I had always thought that the day she would die that I would go too because I would have nothing left to live for. Jay gave me a reason to live.
Don't get me wrong he wasn't perfect. He had his own demons to deal with. When I first met him he was angry at the world and angry at women in general. He had a quick temper and a fierce one at that. When he would yell it was like a lion roaring and you would just stand back frozen in fear. But I saw a side of him worth saving. A side of him that no one else saw. A side of him that I knew was buried deep under all of the anger and the animosity. Feeling like the black sheep throughout my life and how my grandmother had never given up on me I knew that I couldn't write him off like the rest of the world had. I knew that underneath all of that anger lied a child of God who needed someone just to understand.
Many times we would argue but after our arguments we would talk it out and I would get him to open up about where the anger really originated from. Most of it stemmed from his childhood, some of it came from the relationship that he had just gotten out of with his ex, and alot had to do with his little girl that he was missing, the baby that he left behind when he moved out when he left his ex.
Little by little he began to really trust me and he slowly realized that I would in no way hurt him intentionally as so many had in the past. That is when our relationship started to flourish. It took a year before our relationship went from being roommates to being a couple. So many times throughout that first year of us living together he was the only one there for me when I needed someone the most. I remember how he would climb in bed with me when I was crying and hurting over my loss and just hold me until I fell asleep. His strong arms would cradle my body while I sobbed uncontrollably and he would tell me how everything would be okay.
I realize now that God sent him to me because we were two hurting souls in this world and yet we both had exactly what the other person needed. As different as we are we balance each other out and bring out the best in each other. One thing we have always noticed is how when one of us is upset or depressed the other of us is there to support us. We are never depressed or upset at the same time except for when we lost our sweet Kimberly June but that is another story. We are always strong for the other and just about always have the right things to say.
Our marriage isn't perfect because trust me we have overcome so many obstacles that would have torn many marriages apart. Yet it is our faith in the vows that we took and the faith in our family and in each other that keeps us together. I consider marriage to be a very sacred vow and not something that I entered into lightly. Marriage to me is the utmost gift God can bestow upon us and blesses us with an eternal companion.
Jay is part of me and I am part of him together we are one. God has blessed me with someone that throughout the years has flourished into this brand new man and every day I see it with our children. He is the part of me that I am proud of and love beyond myself. He is not perfect but neither am I and I am happy that he is all mine.
I am glad for the trials and tribulations that we have endured because it is our journey, our own personal story, and it has been an uphill battle yet we are still surviving and thriving. Life has thrown so many things our way but somehow we gather the strength to continue to battle them out together versus battling it out on our own. It is neither him nor I it is US. We are a team worth fighting for and I take pride in how we have come out the other end a bit torn up around the edges but stronger for it deep within the heart. I love my husband and I thank God everyday for bringing him into my life.
No I never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would fall in love with the man with freckles, ear piercings, and a pierced labret but I am ever so thankful that I did. I am even more thankful that he saw beyond my imperfections and loved me for who I was then and still loves me for who I am today. God is good. I just had to wait on his timing which is always perfect.
I worked the overnight shift at Sears and I had many guy friends that I would talk to and hang out with. I remember one night when one of my team managers Carol told us that we would be getting a new person on our team and she said "Nelda you are not allowed to date him". I didn't date many of my coworkers but I had gone out with a couple of them and I did have a lot of male friends. Which on a different note was new to me since I was so quiet in high school and didn't have very many besides my male best friend back then.
When I first met Jay I remember how the sheer size of him was overwhelming. His 6'1" compared to my 5'1" frame made him look like a giant. And then I noticed his ear piercings and his pierced labret and how he was covered in what seemed like thousands of freckles. No he wasn't my type I immediately thought.
Jay was very quiet at work so I really didn't know him much other than our usual "hellos". Then one day I was talking to a coworker and she told me how she was giving him a ride home everyday even though it was out of her way. I immediately told her that he wasn't out of my way so I would offer him a ride. From that day forward I realized that Jay was different than what he appeared to be. I got to know a side of him that I wasn't sure he let anyone else know. I enjoyed our rides home everyday and I enjoyed the company.
That was in January and February then March came. My grandmother died in the beginning of March and my whole life changed with her dying breath. The home that I had grown to love was no longer my home and I had to find a new one. I took a month off of work to gather myself and I eventually found an apartment in San Antonio close to my job. I had never lived by myself and it was scary, exciting, and I was extremely lonely.
When I returned to Sears after my month long mini vacation, if you can even call it that, Jay was there and we talked and he told me how he had missed me and had wondered where I had been. I started giving him rides home again even though he was now out of my way. I had taken the bus for so long before getting my car that I couldn't think of making him continue to take the bus which would take over an hour to get him home when I could get him there in 10 minutes. Little by little he started coming over to my apartment after work and eventually he would stay over.
We would go out and have so much fun on our days off and party until literally the sun came up. I would go to work hung over, on zero sleep, always with a giant coffee mug to help get me through. Yet I would do the very same thing day after day. Looking back I don't know where I got my energy but it would be nice to get some of that back.
Jay would continue to stay over and I remember asking him one night to move in with me then I remember him clearly telling me "No" how he thought that it wasn't a good idea. However we look back and laugh at it now because he never went home.
My husband got me through the worst time in my life. Losing my grandmother was unbearable. I had always thought that the day she would die that I would go too because I would have nothing left to live for. Jay gave me a reason to live.
Don't get me wrong he wasn't perfect. He had his own demons to deal with. When I first met him he was angry at the world and angry at women in general. He had a quick temper and a fierce one at that. When he would yell it was like a lion roaring and you would just stand back frozen in fear. But I saw a side of him worth saving. A side of him that no one else saw. A side of him that I knew was buried deep under all of the anger and the animosity. Feeling like the black sheep throughout my life and how my grandmother had never given up on me I knew that I couldn't write him off like the rest of the world had. I knew that underneath all of that anger lied a child of God who needed someone just to understand.
Many times we would argue but after our arguments we would talk it out and I would get him to open up about where the anger really originated from. Most of it stemmed from his childhood, some of it came from the relationship that he had just gotten out of with his ex, and alot had to do with his little girl that he was missing, the baby that he left behind when he moved out when he left his ex.
Little by little he began to really trust me and he slowly realized that I would in no way hurt him intentionally as so many had in the past. That is when our relationship started to flourish. It took a year before our relationship went from being roommates to being a couple. So many times throughout that first year of us living together he was the only one there for me when I needed someone the most. I remember how he would climb in bed with me when I was crying and hurting over my loss and just hold me until I fell asleep. His strong arms would cradle my body while I sobbed uncontrollably and he would tell me how everything would be okay.
I realize now that God sent him to me because we were two hurting souls in this world and yet we both had exactly what the other person needed. As different as we are we balance each other out and bring out the best in each other. One thing we have always noticed is how when one of us is upset or depressed the other of us is there to support us. We are never depressed or upset at the same time except for when we lost our sweet Kimberly June but that is another story. We are always strong for the other and just about always have the right things to say.
Our marriage isn't perfect because trust me we have overcome so many obstacles that would have torn many marriages apart. Yet it is our faith in the vows that we took and the faith in our family and in each other that keeps us together. I consider marriage to be a very sacred vow and not something that I entered into lightly. Marriage to me is the utmost gift God can bestow upon us and blesses us with an eternal companion.
Jay is part of me and I am part of him together we are one. God has blessed me with someone that throughout the years has flourished into this brand new man and every day I see it with our children. He is the part of me that I am proud of and love beyond myself. He is not perfect but neither am I and I am happy that he is all mine.
I am glad for the trials and tribulations that we have endured because it is our journey, our own personal story, and it has been an uphill battle yet we are still surviving and thriving. Life has thrown so many things our way but somehow we gather the strength to continue to battle them out together versus battling it out on our own. It is neither him nor I it is US. We are a team worth fighting for and I take pride in how we have come out the other end a bit torn up around the edges but stronger for it deep within the heart. I love my husband and I thank God everyday for bringing him into my life.
No I never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would fall in love with the man with freckles, ear piercings, and a pierced labret but I am ever so thankful that I did. I am even more thankful that he saw beyond my imperfections and loved me for who I was then and still loves me for who I am today. God is good. I just had to wait on his timing which is always perfect.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)