Journaling My Inner Thoughts

I will rise to my power. I will rise to honor my souls journey. I will rise to be the example of love to those who have been entrusted to me. I may have been weak but it is in that same weakness that I have found my strength. My life is just beginning because I have been awakened.

 

I speak to honor. I speak truth. I speak of life and of abundance. I am love. I am light. I am power. I am my soul’s journey captured in a dream. I am here to serve. I am here to assist. I am here to show the way. Life is a journey that I choose. I choose it to progress. I choose it because I seek to be all that is good and all that is of light. I live for the peace. I seek to endure and to overcome. I seek that which seems impossible because that is where I will see the face of God.

Lessons in Life

Today has been such an emotionally trying day as we try to figure out our living situation while the clock loudly ticks away. These past few months whenever we have hit a rough patch in our lives my go to sanity reliever is to go and do something to help someone even less fortunate. It always seems to put things into perspective for me.


So earlier I had Jay make up 2 sandwiches on my way out to Target determined that I would find someone in desperate need of food. As I was getting ready to leave Aniah asked me if I was going to feed the homeless people because she wanted to go. Both of us drove up and down Fredericksburg Rd until Aniah pointed out a homeless man sleeping on a bus bench underneath a pile of clothes in this Texas heat!!!


At first I didn't want to go up to this man because my excuse was he was sleeping and there were other people at that bus stop who would see me. As shameful as that sounds it is the truth. I can't lie to God so why lie to you all right?  I felt that way because the thought of going out of my comfort zone scared me.


 However sitting in that car with my 9 year old daughter I knew that I had to do what was right. So I pulled into the parking lot directly behind that old city bus bench and I quietly approached the gentle sleeping man sprawled out on his hard metal bed. At the end of the bench right at his feet I left those 2 sandwiches and quietly walked away.


As I got back into the car my sweet Aniah said "Mom when he wakes up it will be as if food just magically appeared! I sure wish I could see his smile!" It was then and there that God taught me an even bigger lesson. He is always working behind the scenes even when we are sleeping. He is still to this day a miracle performing God and somehow always manages to supply our needs.  As scary as my living situation is right now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father is working behind the scenes on this too. 

In The Thick of It

I have recently been asked about our business and how it has been going. I have always been really open about certain areas of our lives and our small business was one of them. However, when things didn’t work out the way that we had hoped we felt ashamed at our short comings and didn’t want to air it out in the open because honestly I didn’t want to open myself up to negative judgment. Recently though I was talking to God and I could hear him pushing me to share this with you all because someone somewhere needs to hear this.

With that being said I am not writing this for those who ALWAYS have it ALL together ALL the time. I am not writing it for those who live in a perfect white house with perfect white picket fences with perfect jobs and perfect lives. No I am writing this for those of us who are struggling to make ends meet, keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, bills stacked way up high and an answering machine full of purposely missed messages from debt collectors asking for money you just don’t have.  I am writing this for anyone who doesn’t always have it together and who is” in the thick of it”.

As most of you know early this year we tried our hand out in running a small business. While our small business helped to sustain us for a while eventually it bled us completely dry. We worked hard at our business but building a steady stream of clients proved immensely more difficult than we had anticipated. Money got so tight and then it just stopped coming in all together when my husband transitioned to a regular job.

We struggled to make our phone, electricity and car loan payment but that was okay because rent was always paid. Until it wasn’t.  Just writing those words makes my stomach churn and drop because it is failure looking at me right in the face again. I have been sitting on this for quite some time now and barely shared it with a very select few not too long ago because I had to. How could I share it with you all??? Opening up myself to that kind of humiliation seemed so scary to me that was until I really heard God talk back to me last night.

It seems that after all of the prayers and all of the tears that I have shed over time, God is most moved by the big huge raindrop tears that cascade like a waterfall splashing on to the very surface that it touches. He is moved by the tears that rack the entire body and pours forth from the very depths of the soul. I know this because it is always when I reach those low moments that God meets me there. Last night was no different and he being so faithful met me as I sat on my knees.

He showed me in my mind’s eye a picture of a midnight sky without one single star, as it was hidden deep behind the darkened clouds. I noticed that as I looked outwards in every direction all I could see was a black lake and I was right in the middle of it. It was here that I heard his soft and gentle voice speak to my spirit and say “Just as there is always darkness and always night, there is always a morning that comes to shed some light”. Just like that the sun started to appear and the dark clouds gave way to the early morning light. The scary black lake had turned blue and as I looked out in front of me in the very near distance just passed the lake I saw land filled with an abundance of tall green trees. It was here that I heard him again and he shared with me that darkness prepares us for the beauty of the mornings just as the beauty of the mornings were made to help shed light on that which was dark.

He shared with me that the lake only appeared dark because I couldn’t see past my current circumstances and that what he has waiting for us in the morning, whenever that may be, is worth the wait. He showed me that just like there are places in this world that go months on end in the dark so do certain trials BUT eventually there is always sunlight to follow.

As of now I don’t know what will happen to us or where we will go but what I do know for sure is that I will bloom wherever I am planted because Heavenly Father already has this and you will too! Don’t lose faith. Don’t lose hope. Don’t lose trust in the only one truly deserving of your trust. No matter what it is that you are going through or no matter where you are in your life know that Heavenly Father had a dream and created you and that makes you a uniquely inspired one of a kind original work of art. That makes you pretty special in his eyes and because of that He has a plan for you. He didn’t create you to throw you to the wind or worse in the garbage. He didn’t create you to toy with your emotions. No, He created you out of love and therefore you have divine purpose. Sometimes that divine purpose has to be molded out of life’s ugly experiences.

Looking back our business was not a failure even though it failed to sustain us any longer but it served its purpose. We moved out of our own comfort zone and did something that helped us believe in ourselves and our own abilities. Me being a self-proclaimed introvert by nature learned how to talk to complete strangers and better yet learned how to stand tall in the presence of others and really hold my own in a business situation.

 I learned that I was stronger and smarter than I ever gave myself credit for and quite honestly it helped to build up my self-esteem.  No amount of money can buy that and I know because I have spent so much time and money over the years on antidepressants and counseling sessions. No it took this lesson in life for God to take little old me (someone who always felt like no one) and propel me through that dark abyss just to show me how great he really knows I am. Better yet I am realizing just how awesome I really am.

So for those of you who are “In the thick of it”, as I heard him say it, this is for you. You are better than you realize and you will be far better off than you believe. Put your trust back on the one who has this. Put your trust on the one who creates all of the mornings of tomorrow.  Learn from the darkness what you must but know that there are bright skies up ahead.  Your land is finally going to be revealed if you can just hold on until your break of dawn. Whatever it is that you are facing You got this and He has got you.

A Special Kind of Child

Having a child who is being evaluated for Autism is a difficult thing. Often I feel so overwhelmed. On days where we have had non stop meltdowns filled with ear stabbing screams it is easy to feel pity for myself. It is so easy to give into the thought that "this is my life and how did this become it." Shameful as I feel about it, that is the truth. Having a child like my Grant is a challenge all on its own. However today as he was sitting on my bed and I was in the midst of tickling him and listening to him laugh I realized just how blessed I have been.



My 2 year old Grant has come a long way. There was a time not so long ago where he would not have responded to back and forth play and here he was tickling me back and forth just so he could get me to do it back to him. He was squealing with little boy delight. As I took in and felt the moment with all my heart I could hear a poem popping into my head. Almost as if it were a whisper from Him above, sharing with me the lessons that I had learned, and so I had to write it down.

A Special Kind of Child

A special kind of child takes a special kind of love

A special kind of gift from a special kind above
A special kind of family given a special kind of grace
A special kind of eyes shown a special kind of face

                                           

A special kind of heart develops a special kind of tie

A special kind of love forms a special kind of eye
A special kind of youth brings a special kind of scope
A special kind of wonder bears a special kind of hope

A special kind of darling delivers a special kind of light
A special kind of mind provides a special kind of sight
A special kind of jewel creates a special kind of shine
A special kind of child is a special kind of mine.

"Don't feed the Autistic Kid"

I find myself at a point in my life where I never expected to be. On Thursday I took my youngest son Grant who is almost 2 1/2 to the doctor to address certain concerns that I had. He has always been a very peculiar child as he is set in his own ways since birth. He has an aversion to certain food textures as well as food shapes. Food has to be given in a certain order each time but in what order he wants it that meal is always a guess. My son doesn't talk much other than "Momma, Dadda, Itty (Kitty), No and Here You Go." We recently noticed that he can say other words but he will say a word out of nowhere and then we will never hear it again. Sometimes it is a whole sentence! He has other things that we have picked up on and so that is why I took him in to be seen.


I explained my concerns with the pediatrician and even though she did not provide the level of care that I would have liked, she did agree that he needed to be seen by a specialist. So now here we find ourselves anxiously awaiting an appointment with The Autism Network which is scheduled for the end of March. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. When I tried to voice my fears on my facebook I was kindly reminded of how great an early diagnosis is and also how God has a special purpose and plan. I was reassured of all of the other great kids that they knew of who had Autism and how well they have done.


I wonder how many actually see the behind the scenes of what goes on and all of the endless tears that fall.  As they give me reassurance All I can think of how most days are filled with hours on end of screaming. I think of how food no matter how great I try to prepare it and no matter how much I try it ALWAYS ends up thrown on the floor over and over again.


I am also consumed with concern for his safety as he doesn't seem to fear a whole lot of anything. He  has a very high tolerance to normal pain and seems to at times even lack any sense of physical pain. I feel overwhelmed! I am his mom and both my husband and I are responsible for his safety and it scares the SHIT out of me that as he grows what if he doesn't grow out of it. How do we keep him safe? He is very strong and at times he will start throwing things and not just little things but BIG things. Instead of a lego he picks up the small doll house and will chunk that. He can at times become a bit violent as he will swing his head and just keep knocking you with it. Today I tried to give him a hug and he head butted my lip. He doesn't mean to. I can see that. He doesn't know nor can he really control his own strength it seems. But still AUTISM? What does this mean for my son?


People tell me not to worry and think of the future that it is too out there. But how can I not? How can I not wonder what will happen to him once we are gone? His future right now seems so uncertain. When you have children you have dreams, hopes, and maybe even a seemingly naïve sense of assurance that your child will be okay in the whole scheme of things in life. Right now that whole rug is being pulled from under me. Right now this is how I feel and I will not make any apologizes for it. I am sure that as time goes by a new normal will come about but for right now this seems so foreign and honestly I am terrified.


I wonder how people will treat him. The past year we haven't really gone anywhere because he is a more difficult child to deal with and we don't want to draw attention in public. And it doesn't help that these past couple of months he picked up an usual habit. It used to be that he would rock himself as a soothing mechanism but that got replaced with him (this is so mortifying to open up with but I do it in hopes that there are others out there) playing with his nipples instead. He will literally pull up his shirt and start pulling on them. God I hope that the sick pervs don't get off to this but this is our reality.


I told my husband the other day that as mean as it sounds that perhaps we should have shirts made up that say "Don't feed the Autistic Kid" that way people will be mad at us and 1) will not notice or care that our son is grabbing at his nipples in public and 2) that way people will be inclined to defend him instead of ridicule him any further. I would much rather take the insults and the stares than to leave them for him to have to endure. You see I love our son with every beat of my heart and want him to grow up in a world that is filled with love and compassion even if it is only really possible in his own unique world.




*Originally written a few days after Jan 30th

A Life of Regrets

"Never Live A Life of Regrets" I have often heard people say along with "Move Forward and Never Look Back." That saying is so much easier said than done. I believe that in order to move forward you sometimes have to look back so you know how you want to shape your future and how you don't want to end up again.

What happens though when your past is so much simpler, so much more wonderful than your present? What happens when you want to grab those you love now and take them back in time? I love the family that I have been given in this lifetime. I love those who God has entrusted me to hold dear to my heart. However I feel like my past holds so much more than I ever was grateful for and if I could go back in time I would cherish it with all of my being.

You see there isn't a day in my life that I don't look back at my past and miss those who have gone on to be with Jesus way before I was ready to let go. Then there are days like today when my heart aches, the tears freely flow, and I find myself trying to pick up the pieces of my soul. I miss my momma, my grandpa, their siblings, and above all I miss my sweet Kimberly June.

I find myself at times still wanting to pick up the phone and call my momma (my grandmother) and ask her so many things. 10 years later and I still don't know how to let go. When I hurt for my Kimberly June I hurt for my momma too. I am always reminded that she knew my pain well and I would give anything to ask her questions, something I should have done years ago, like how did she deal with the death of her daughter? How did she learn to let go? How did she deal with her pain and her tears? When I think of all this I am saddened because she was my everything and now that I need her the most she is not here.

Life isn't fair and sometimes it is cruel. I sometimes find myself going back in time in my mind, a time when life was so awesome (even though I did not realize it), and trying hard to conjure up the memories that are embedded deep within me. I remember a life of simpler times and days filled with love and joy.

I remember Sunday Barbeque's, Holiday Feasts, and Birthday Parties all kicked off by first a family prayer (my family consisted of my aunts, uncles, and tons of cousins) then laughter, love, and pure joy. I can see in my mind also ordinary days when everything went like clockwork and ended just the same. Those days I miss the most. Those are the days when my momma would always hold me, kiss me, and even when I was in my early 20s and I outweighed her by at least 100 lbs she always had me sit on her lap and each time we would burst out loud in laughter.

Yes my heart aches and as I write this now I cannot stop the tears from flowing. We weren't rich and by all means we were technically poor but what we shared in that pink little house in the middle of 6th street was something that money couldn't buy and more valuable than gold. My main regret is that I didn't realize just how rich of a life I really had back then. If I could go back in time and talk to myself I would tell myself to stop being sad for what I didn't have and to cherish what I was truly blessed with. I would then apologize to my grandparents for making their lives hell especially during my teen years and assure them that none of what I was going through was their fault. I would come home early so my momma wouldn't stay awake all night worrying, I would stay home more instead of always partying, and I would hug and kiss both of them way more than I actually did.

God gives us many blessings in this lifetime but the one gift that many of us wish for the most is one of the things that we cannot have and that is the gift of going back in time. This is the main reason that I believe that I cannot live a life without regrets because I carry them with me each day but by the same token this is also the reason that I believe that we have to look towards our past at times in order to move forward.

Life is a gift and one that we cannot even get a second of it back. Therefore I look towards my past to move on. My past shaped and molded me into who I am today. Everything from my childhood, to losing my grandparents, and even losing my Kimberly June has helped me form my own journey. It is for this reason that I want to try and recreate my past to a point and share it with my children. I want them to be filled with lots of memories of love, joy, and happiness. No I am not my momma but I am a product of her raising and though I cannot exactly replicate her ways I can take them and incorporate them into my own. If I leave this world tomorrow and my children can remember me showering them with love then I have accomplished my mission as their mother. After all love really does have the power to conquer all.

Where "We" First Began

Sometimes in life we come across people who are destined to change our lives forever. I was luckily enough to meet my special person years ago while working at a call center. I first laid eyes on Jay one night in January when he came to our team fresh out of training. Never in a million years did I even think that I was seeing the man who later on I would marry.

I worked the overnight shift at Sears and I had many guy friends that I would talk to and hang out with. I remember one night when one of my team managers Carol told us that we would be getting a new person on our team and she said "Nelda you are not allowed to date him". I didn't date many of my coworkers but I had gone out with a couple of them and I did have a lot of male friends. Which on a different note was new to me since I was so quiet in high school and didn't have very many besides my male best friend back then.

When I first met Jay I remember how the sheer size of him was overwhelming. His 6'1" compared to my 5'1" frame made him look like a giant. And then I noticed his ear piercings and his pierced labret and how he was covered in what seemed like thousands of freckles. No he wasn't my type I immediately thought.

Jay was very quiet at work so I really didn't know him much other than our usual "hellos". Then one day I was talking to a coworker and she told me how she was giving him a ride home everyday even though it was out of her way. I immediately told her that he wasn't out of my way so I would offer him a ride. From that day forward I realized that Jay was different than what he appeared to be. I got to know a side of him that I wasn't sure he let anyone else know. I enjoyed our rides home everyday and I enjoyed the company.

That was in January and February then March came. My grandmother died in the beginning of March and my whole life changed with her dying breath. The home that I had grown to love was no longer my home and I had to find a new one. I took a month off of work to gather myself and I eventually found an apartment in San Antonio close to my job. I had never lived by myself and it was scary, exciting, and I was extremely lonely.

When I returned to Sears after my month long mini vacation, if you can even call it that, Jay was there and we talked and he told me how he had missed me and had wondered where I had been. I started giving him rides home again even though he was now out of my way. I had taken the bus for so long before getting my car that I couldn't think of making him continue to take the bus which would take over an hour to get him home when I could get him there in 10 minutes. Little by little he started coming over to my apartment after work and eventually he would stay over.

We would go out and have so much fun on our days off and party until literally the sun came up. I would go to work hung over, on zero sleep, always with a giant coffee mug to help get me through. Yet I would do the very same thing day after day. Looking back I don't know where I got my energy but it would be nice to get some of that back.

Jay would continue to stay over and I remember asking him one night to move in with me then I remember him clearly telling me "No"  how he thought that it wasn't a good idea. However we look back and laugh at it now because he never went home.

My husband got me through the worst time in my life. Losing my grandmother was unbearable. I had always thought that the day she would die that I would go too because I would have nothing left to live for. Jay gave me a reason to live.

Don't get me wrong he wasn't perfect. He had his own demons to deal with. When I first met him he was angry at the world and angry at women in general. He had a quick temper and a fierce one at that. When he would yell it was like a lion roaring and you would just stand back frozen in fear. But I saw a side of him worth saving. A side of him that no one else saw. A side of him that I knew was buried deep under all of the anger and the animosity. Feeling like the black sheep throughout my life and how my grandmother had never given up on me I knew that I couldn't write him off like the rest of the world had. I knew that underneath all of that anger lied a child of God who needed someone just to understand.

Many times we would argue but after our arguments we would talk it out and I would get him to open up about where the anger really originated from. Most of it stemmed from his childhood, some of it came from the relationship that he had just gotten out of with his ex, and alot had to do with his little girl that he was missing, the baby that he left behind when he moved out when he left his ex.

Little by little he began to really trust me and he slowly realized that I would in no way hurt him intentionally as so many had in the past. That is when our relationship started to flourish. It took a year before our relationship went from being roommates to being a couple. So many times throughout that first year of us living together he was the only one there for me when I needed someone the most. I remember how he would climb in bed with me when I was crying and hurting over my loss and just hold me until I fell asleep. His strong arms would cradle my body while I sobbed uncontrollably and he would tell me how everything would be okay.

I realize now that God sent him to me because we were two hurting souls in this world and yet we both had exactly what the other person needed. As different as we are we balance each other out and bring out the best in each other. One thing we have always noticed is how when one of us is upset or depressed the other of us is there to support us. We are never depressed or upset at the same time except for when we lost our sweet Kimberly June but that is another story. We are always strong for the other and just about always have the right things to say.

Our marriage isn't perfect because trust me we have overcome so many obstacles that would have torn many marriages apart. Yet it is our faith in the vows that we took and the faith in our family and in each other that keeps us together. I consider marriage to be a very sacred vow and not something that I entered into lightly. Marriage to me is the utmost gift God can bestow upon us and blesses us with an eternal companion.

Jay is part of me and I am part of him together we are one. God has blessed me with someone that throughout the years has flourished into this brand new man and every day I see it with our children. He is the part of me that I am proud of and love beyond myself. He is not perfect but neither am I and I am happy that he is all mine.

I am glad for the trials and tribulations that we have endured because it is our journey, our own personal story, and it has been an uphill battle yet we are still surviving and thriving. Life has thrown so many things our way but somehow we gather the strength to continue to battle them out together versus battling it out on our own. It is neither him nor I it is US. We are a team worth fighting for and I take pride in how we have come out the other end a bit torn up around the edges but stronger for it deep within the heart. I love my husband and  I thank God everyday for bringing him into my life.

No I never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would fall in love with the man with freckles, ear piercings, and a pierced labret but I am ever so thankful that I did. I am even more thankful that he saw beyond my imperfections and loved me for who I was then and still loves me for who I am today. God is good. I just had to wait on his timing which is always perfect.