A Life of Regrets

"Never Live A Life of Regrets" I have often heard people say along with "Move Forward and Never Look Back." That saying is so much easier said than done. I believe that in order to move forward you sometimes have to look back so you know how you want to shape your future and how you don't want to end up again.

What happens though when your past is so much simpler, so much more wonderful than your present? What happens when you want to grab those you love now and take them back in time? I love the family that I have been given in this lifetime. I love those who God has entrusted me to hold dear to my heart. However I feel like my past holds so much more than I ever was grateful for and if I could go back in time I would cherish it with all of my being.

You see there isn't a day in my life that I don't look back at my past and miss those who have gone on to be with Jesus way before I was ready to let go. Then there are days like today when my heart aches, the tears freely flow, and I find myself trying to pick up the pieces of my soul. I miss my momma, my grandpa, their siblings, and above all I miss my sweet Kimberly June.

I find myself at times still wanting to pick up the phone and call my momma (my grandmother) and ask her so many things. 10 years later and I still don't know how to let go. When I hurt for my Kimberly June I hurt for my momma too. I am always reminded that she knew my pain well and I would give anything to ask her questions, something I should have done years ago, like how did she deal with the death of her daughter? How did she learn to let go? How did she deal with her pain and her tears? When I think of all this I am saddened because she was my everything and now that I need her the most she is not here.

Life isn't fair and sometimes it is cruel. I sometimes find myself going back in time in my mind, a time when life was so awesome (even though I did not realize it), and trying hard to conjure up the memories that are embedded deep within me. I remember a life of simpler times and days filled with love and joy.

I remember Sunday Barbeque's, Holiday Feasts, and Birthday Parties all kicked off by first a family prayer (my family consisted of my aunts, uncles, and tons of cousins) then laughter, love, and pure joy. I can see in my mind also ordinary days when everything went like clockwork and ended just the same. Those days I miss the most. Those are the days when my momma would always hold me, kiss me, and even when I was in my early 20s and I outweighed her by at least 100 lbs she always had me sit on her lap and each time we would burst out loud in laughter.

Yes my heart aches and as I write this now I cannot stop the tears from flowing. We weren't rich and by all means we were technically poor but what we shared in that pink little house in the middle of 6th street was something that money couldn't buy and more valuable than gold. My main regret is that I didn't realize just how rich of a life I really had back then. If I could go back in time and talk to myself I would tell myself to stop being sad for what I didn't have and to cherish what I was truly blessed with. I would then apologize to my grandparents for making their lives hell especially during my teen years and assure them that none of what I was going through was their fault. I would come home early so my momma wouldn't stay awake all night worrying, I would stay home more instead of always partying, and I would hug and kiss both of them way more than I actually did.

God gives us many blessings in this lifetime but the one gift that many of us wish for the most is one of the things that we cannot have and that is the gift of going back in time. This is the main reason that I believe that I cannot live a life without regrets because I carry them with me each day but by the same token this is also the reason that I believe that we have to look towards our past at times in order to move forward.

Life is a gift and one that we cannot even get a second of it back. Therefore I look towards my past to move on. My past shaped and molded me into who I am today. Everything from my childhood, to losing my grandparents, and even losing my Kimberly June has helped me form my own journey. It is for this reason that I want to try and recreate my past to a point and share it with my children. I want them to be filled with lots of memories of love, joy, and happiness. No I am not my momma but I am a product of her raising and though I cannot exactly replicate her ways I can take them and incorporate them into my own. If I leave this world tomorrow and my children can remember me showering them with love then I have accomplished my mission as their mother. After all love really does have the power to conquer all.