Once again I find myself up late at night or shall I say the wee hours of the morning. I have always been a night owl and I find that I love it that way. It is in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep and everyone else is that I find that my words seem to just flow from within. Sometimes I don't have really anything to say and other times I don't think I do but when it is all said and done even I surprise myself. Times like this gives me a time to reflect and a time to gather my thoughts more effectively. No chaos, no kids crying or screaming. Just me.
I have been working on lately bettering my inner self. Trying desperately to find what it is that I am made of and what I am capable of doing. I have done a whole lot of changing since I was a child/teen and I have come a very long way. Growing up in my home, as loving as my grandparents were, I was a very angry child. I was filled with hate and loathing for something that I had no control over. I would scream, yell, break things, and not very many people seemed to get me. Of course I was also a very insecure person, still am to a point, therefore I didn't allow too many people to get too close to the real me.
I have lived my whole life pretty much as a facade. People only knew what I showed them and that is exactly the way I wanted it to be. I didn't have enough confidence to share my real self with too many as I was scared that they would never accept me and that I would never be good enough for them. My life for a very long time had been lived trying to live up to others expectations of who they thought I should be. Therefore in order to not want to fail them I failed myself. I dropped out of high school when I was 17. One of the bigger regrets of my life. I then went to college and dropped out of that too. When I worked if it got to be too much I would just shut down and eventually quit.
I didn't know how to deal with all of the "You are doing such a good job and we want this now from you." I have always been happy just to be the person in the background never wanting attention called my way. I liked to do a great job to make myself happy but once others started to expect it it became too much. I look back and realize that not having my real mom stand behind me as a child effected me way more than I ever thought it would in my adulthood. As a child I would sit in my bedroom and cry looking out the window waiting for a set of headlights that would hardly ever come. Because my grandparents raised me everyone around took it upon themselves to try to instill in my sister and me there own sets of expectations. However having so many sets of expectations and always failing someone not too mention the feeling of being abandoned left me in the state of mind that I was never good enough. So I just gave up.
It saddens me to know that I have given up on just about every good possibility handed to me. I shut down doors that technically never should have been opened my way in the first place but they happened. The only thing that I have never given up on is my marriage to my husband and my children. If nothing in this world ever goes right for me again these are the two most sacred things that I absolutely feel like I have to hold on to. Without them there would be no me. They have shaped me and help form the best out of me. I know that I could never just walk away and I have no earthly idea how some find it so easy to walk away from theirs. Perhaps it is because even though I was adored by my grandparents I had always felt like nothing and it wasn't until I started my family that I finally felt like something, someone, like a person who was given a one in a million shot and finally made to feel my worth.
My children are the apple of my eye and they know how to make my heart melt. With each I love you, smile, hug, kiss, or even glimmer in their eyes I know that I am their everything. They make me feel wanted, special, and loved which touches the very depths of my soul. I am not quite sure what it is that I did to deserve them all but surely God saw something in me that I never could see in myself.
Today I am a brand new person as I had enough of all the negativity in my life. It doesn't matter everything that I have failed at in the past or all the people that I let down because the ones that matter most to me now are all sleeping soundly in their beds. I have no doubts about failing. Failing here is not even an option. They deserve way better than the rough road I have been through and I promise til my last dying breath that is exactly what they will get.
They will have sunrises and sunsets with me by their side. They will get a kiss and hug each night. More importantly I will teach them that I am worth trusting and me leaving will hopefully never even enter their heads. No I will not fail, I will not fail, I will not fail. That person doesn't exist anymore and my husband nor my children will ever see that former me. More importantly I will never see that former me ever again. My past is my past and I have no intentions of allowing it a place in my future. This is my life and I am happily trudging through this journey one step at a time.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
The Seasons of Life
As I sit here in the middle of the night and I hear silence throughout my home I feel at peace. I am at peace knowing that my children are sound asleep safely in their beds and that my husband is resting comfortably in ours. Times like this gives me so much time to think and focus on my life and where it is that I have been and even though I don't know where I am headed I know that this road will lead me somewhere.
Growing up in my small town I never could have ever wrapped my head around everything that I would experience in my 35 years. I realize that God gives us a journey to walk through because if He handed us everything at one time we would never withstand the weight of the world. Rather we walk a bit, rest a bit, and enjoy or endure what we are going through. I believe that it is when we are resting and sometimes stuck in the same old rut that it is a period in time that God is needing us to really listen to him. Have you ever wondered why things are not moving fast enough or you are tired of the same old crap? I think it is because there is a lesson to be learned and we just aren't listening. The bible says that there is a season for everything. I never really understood it but now that I do His word is so true. For those who don't know me I have endured many kinds of seasons
I remember growing up my grandmother would always come in my room when I was little and sing to me until I fell asleep. I was always scared of the dark and so she would leave the comfort of her own bed and lay down with me and hold me and sing. With a voice that was so golden and sweet (maybe not to most but to me it was like an angel singing) she would sing me Spanish lullaby's and sometimes I know it would take hours for me to sleep but she never once left me until she knew I was resting peacefully. I can still to this day feel the comfort she gave me and her hands wrapped around me so tight. I was safe from all of the boogie mans and monsters under my bed and I knew that I was alright. She made everything all right. It has been 10 years since she has been gone and I miss her so so much. So many times I want to call her and hear her voice or feel her arms wrapped around me once more. But even though she is gone I know she is with me always pushing me forward. You see my memories are far much more than just memories they are actions of love that were embedded deep within my soul. That was a season of love that was preparing me for a far greater season that was to come. The season in which I now find myself a part of, the season of motherhood.
With the same love and compassion that my grandma, who I now see as my momma, gave me is the same love and devotion I pray to pass on to my own children. I have had a very hard life despite being with my grandparents growing up and I wasn't always the person I am now. So yes I pray that I can at least be half the momma she was to me and I hope that my children one day will see my efforts in their own lives. I know I fail in some areas as a parent and I don't always sing to them the way my momma sang to me. I don't know if trying is good enough but I try to be the best mom that I can for my babies. Perhaps I shouldn't judge myself too harshly because I was told by my aunts and uncles that my sister and I were spoiled rotten compared to the way they were raised. Maybe it was because she had 7 to raise and her baby she buried at a little over a year. We were her babies. We were her everything and she told us so. Just the same way that I tell my own children.
Right now I am in the middle of the greatest season in my life and perhaps my children's. And whether I always get it right or not I have come to understand that it like everything else is a work in progress. One day this particular part of the journey will change and all we all will have are mere memories. I hope, no I pray, that I will do right by my children and this period in time will help them to be so much better, so much more than I ever will be or was. After all that is all we want for our children. We want the very best and more, but even I know that they too will have their own seasons to deal with and it is up to me to prepare them as best as I can.
Growing up in my small town I never could have ever wrapped my head around everything that I would experience in my 35 years. I realize that God gives us a journey to walk through because if He handed us everything at one time we would never withstand the weight of the world. Rather we walk a bit, rest a bit, and enjoy or endure what we are going through. I believe that it is when we are resting and sometimes stuck in the same old rut that it is a period in time that God is needing us to really listen to him. Have you ever wondered why things are not moving fast enough or you are tired of the same old crap? I think it is because there is a lesson to be learned and we just aren't listening. The bible says that there is a season for everything. I never really understood it but now that I do His word is so true. For those who don't know me I have endured many kinds of seasons
I remember growing up my grandmother would always come in my room when I was little and sing to me until I fell asleep. I was always scared of the dark and so she would leave the comfort of her own bed and lay down with me and hold me and sing. With a voice that was so golden and sweet (maybe not to most but to me it was like an angel singing) she would sing me Spanish lullaby's and sometimes I know it would take hours for me to sleep but she never once left me until she knew I was resting peacefully. I can still to this day feel the comfort she gave me and her hands wrapped around me so tight. I was safe from all of the boogie mans and monsters under my bed and I knew that I was alright. She made everything all right. It has been 10 years since she has been gone and I miss her so so much. So many times I want to call her and hear her voice or feel her arms wrapped around me once more. But even though she is gone I know she is with me always pushing me forward. You see my memories are far much more than just memories they are actions of love that were embedded deep within my soul. That was a season of love that was preparing me for a far greater season that was to come. The season in which I now find myself a part of, the season of motherhood.
With the same love and compassion that my grandma, who I now see as my momma, gave me is the same love and devotion I pray to pass on to my own children. I have had a very hard life despite being with my grandparents growing up and I wasn't always the person I am now. So yes I pray that I can at least be half the momma she was to me and I hope that my children one day will see my efforts in their own lives. I know I fail in some areas as a parent and I don't always sing to them the way my momma sang to me. I don't know if trying is good enough but I try to be the best mom that I can for my babies. Perhaps I shouldn't judge myself too harshly because I was told by my aunts and uncles that my sister and I were spoiled rotten compared to the way they were raised. Maybe it was because she had 7 to raise and her baby she buried at a little over a year. We were her babies. We were her everything and she told us so. Just the same way that I tell my own children.
Right now I am in the middle of the greatest season in my life and perhaps my children's. And whether I always get it right or not I have come to understand that it like everything else is a work in progress. One day this particular part of the journey will change and all we all will have are mere memories. I hope, no I pray, that I will do right by my children and this period in time will help them to be so much better, so much more than I ever will be or was. After all that is all we want for our children. We want the very best and more, but even I know that they too will have their own seasons to deal with and it is up to me to prepare them as best as I can.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
This Little Light of Mine
Growing up in a small town where everybody knows your name was wonderful yet a nightmare at times. Of course there was always lots of love to go around but at the same time someone else's nose was always in your business and ready with eager lips to spread it. However now that I am officially a married mother of 5 city girl I can look back and see just how great I had it.
I grew up in the only pink house in town along with my sister and we were raised by my elderly grandparents. If I had to only pick one word to describe them ,though I could choose of many, the word would be "angels". In this day and age no one believes me when I tell them the truth that my grandparents were the embodiment of love. They believed in God and in Christ and they didn't just say it, they meant it, and they lived it. It was through their actions that my sister and I witnessed day after day that we can now appreciate just how special and rare they were.
We have all heard that song "This little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine. Oh this little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine....." well they had that light and they always let it shine. My grandmother was a beautiful person inside and out. She carried herself with grace and with love always with a sense of compassion. My grandfather on the other hand held himself up with a sense of dignity and respect while being in the spirit of service always. Both my grandparents had so much love for one another. Looking back I realize that it was their love for one another that allowed them freely to give of themselves not only to each other but to everyone that they came in contact with.
My grandfather was a strong man who stood at about 5'11" and though his hands were big and worn they were always gentle enough to tug on my ears. He wasn't a man of very many words but his words were always kind and loving when it came to my grandmother. He loved her and everyone could see it. He loved her more than life itself and it showed. His voice was typically always under control but when it boomed you listened. You couldn't help but listen. He never though even so much as raised his voice at my grandma. He had too much love, too much respect, and too much adoration to ever do that to her. In return my grandmother showered him with love and she too loved him more than life itself.
My grandma was a small woman about 5" but she held down the fort pretty well. She always took care of my grandfather making sure his meals were done and indoor chores taken care of. My grandfather would help her but mostly she did it alone. Though she was always finding something to keep her busy she always found lots of time for me and my sister. We laughed, we played , and she shared with us stories, always reminding us to wait on God to make sure that we found true love as she had with my grandfather. The love that she carried for him was grand and not a more perfect love story have I ever seen in my entire life as I witnessed first hand through them. She doted on him and he loved it. Being Hispanic I would always hear them exchange their "I love you's" in Spanish. She too was a woman with a meek voice but had no problems giving advice and counseling where needed. They were the perfect duo. A match made in heaven. Together they were a force of love to be reckoned with.
Growing up I would always hear them pray together, not just for themselves, but for others. They would pray for hours and when my grandmother died we found pages worth of names of people that she would pray for on a nightly basis. They say that a family that prays together stays together and I have no doubts that is absolutely true. It kept them strong and firm not just in their walk with Christ but in their walk with each other.
Now that I am in my mid 30s and have a family all of my own I can see just how the pieces of the puzzle from my past can shape my future. I have been taught and taught well in the gifts of love. It is up to me to put them in practice and show my little family what I have seen. I want them to see the same love, the same guidance, the same power that I saw as a child. I can fully appreciate now as an adult just how much work they put into making this happen. Their little light shinned on my sister and my faces for so many years and even though they are gone I refuse to allow their light to go out with them. Yes it is time for my own light to shine.
I grew up in the only pink house in town along with my sister and we were raised by my elderly grandparents. If I had to only pick one word to describe them ,though I could choose of many, the word would be "angels". In this day and age no one believes me when I tell them the truth that my grandparents were the embodiment of love. They believed in God and in Christ and they didn't just say it, they meant it, and they lived it. It was through their actions that my sister and I witnessed day after day that we can now appreciate just how special and rare they were.
We have all heard that song "This little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine. Oh this little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine....." well they had that light and they always let it shine. My grandmother was a beautiful person inside and out. She carried herself with grace and with love always with a sense of compassion. My grandfather on the other hand held himself up with a sense of dignity and respect while being in the spirit of service always. Both my grandparents had so much love for one another. Looking back I realize that it was their love for one another that allowed them freely to give of themselves not only to each other but to everyone that they came in contact with.
My grandfather was a strong man who stood at about 5'11" and though his hands were big and worn they were always gentle enough to tug on my ears. He wasn't a man of very many words but his words were always kind and loving when it came to my grandmother. He loved her and everyone could see it. He loved her more than life itself and it showed. His voice was typically always under control but when it boomed you listened. You couldn't help but listen. He never though even so much as raised his voice at my grandma. He had too much love, too much respect, and too much adoration to ever do that to her. In return my grandmother showered him with love and she too loved him more than life itself.
My grandma was a small woman about 5" but she held down the fort pretty well. She always took care of my grandfather making sure his meals were done and indoor chores taken care of. My grandfather would help her but mostly she did it alone. Though she was always finding something to keep her busy she always found lots of time for me and my sister. We laughed, we played , and she shared with us stories, always reminding us to wait on God to make sure that we found true love as she had with my grandfather. The love that she carried for him was grand and not a more perfect love story have I ever seen in my entire life as I witnessed first hand through them. She doted on him and he loved it. Being Hispanic I would always hear them exchange their "I love you's" in Spanish. She too was a woman with a meek voice but had no problems giving advice and counseling where needed. They were the perfect duo. A match made in heaven. Together they were a force of love to be reckoned with.
Growing up I would always hear them pray together, not just for themselves, but for others. They would pray for hours and when my grandmother died we found pages worth of names of people that she would pray for on a nightly basis. They say that a family that prays together stays together and I have no doubts that is absolutely true. It kept them strong and firm not just in their walk with Christ but in their walk with each other.
Now that I am in my mid 30s and have a family all of my own I can see just how the pieces of the puzzle from my past can shape my future. I have been taught and taught well in the gifts of love. It is up to me to put them in practice and show my little family what I have seen. I want them to see the same love, the same guidance, the same power that I saw as a child. I can fully appreciate now as an adult just how much work they put into making this happen. Their little light shinned on my sister and my faces for so many years and even though they are gone I refuse to allow their light to go out with them. Yes it is time for my own light to shine.
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